Monday, April 09, 2007

No, Seriously. I Do Hate Movies.

Last week a couple of coworkers were (once again) poking fun at M. Night movies in my presence—I’m pretty sure it’s become a game at this point. Then within minutes of that conversation, someone brought up how much they hated Superman Returns, yet another movie of which I’m very much a fan. And a certain Shyama-hating co- worker who will remain nameless goes: “Uh, you like any movie. Seriously, what movies don’t you like?”

This was very bizarre for me, because I feel like I’m an extremely picky movie-goer. I mean, seriously, I hate a lot of movies, but I realized that in order to truly hate a movie I have to have seen it first. Bottom line: I just don’t see that many crap movies. I typically do quite a bit of research before I ever go see a flick. I always find out who the director is, what he’s done in the past. I’ll read a few reviews and ask peeps I know and who’s tastes I understand, who’ve seen that particular movie. Probably the only time I won’t research a movie before I see it is if it’s by a director that I totally trust—you know the Wes Andersons, Steven Soderberghs, and yes, M. Night Shyamalans of the world.

So, just to make sure that I haven’t turned into some anything-goes-and-I-love-it movie dude, I went through Rotten Tomatoe's Top 100 Worst Reviewed Movies of All Time. And I’m glad to say that I’ve only seen two and both viewings happened under atypical circumstances. But just for the record, I do hate movies. Here is my Top 10 Ten List of Worst Movies ever:

10. Pearl Harbor: This is why Michael Bay sucks and his work is represented throughout this list.

9. The Patriot: To quote Harrison Ford (the man who turned down the lead roll) “It boils the entire American Revolution down to one man’s revenge.” Pretty tacky don't you think?

8. Die Another Day: This movie ended Pierce’s career as far as I can tell, and it proves that Halle Berry should have her Oscar revoked (though it did set Casino Royale up for an awesome franchise comeback).

7. The Island: Two words. Action porn. Too much of everything, zero actual satisfaction, and again Michael Bay sucks.

6. X-Men III: Brian Singer obviously was doing something right with the first two X-Men. This probably was the most dismal conclusion to a trilogy ever concocted.

5. Independence Day: No redeeming value. And no, I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to buy that Cousin Eddie from Vacation ends up saving the human race.

4. Daredevil: This movie demonstrates why I hate Ben Affleck and Colin Farrell and basically ruined Jennifer Garner for me for life. I still can’t believe actually she bore his child.

3. Batman & Robin: Anyone who knows me knows I love the Batman. And anyone who loves Batman despises this flick, though once again… it became a fantastic set up for the Batman Begins comeback.

2. Vertical Limit: I should have known better. But it was 50-cent night at the dollar theater in Provo and a lot of people were going. Never in the history of filmdom has any movie spawned more unintentional, laugh-out-loud deaths than this pitiful waste of celluloid. This was known as my Worst-Movie-Ever until…

1. The Master of Disguise: So everyone knows that “Plan 9 From Outer Space” is universally known as the Worst-Movie-Ever. And I’ll tell you right now that it actually is horrid. However, The Master of Disguise is easily ten times worse. When I was a senior at BYU a fellow classmate’s father came to speak to us about the making of this movie. He was a Production Designer for a majority of Adam Sandler’s flicks and this was his directorial debut. So I rented it when it came out on video just to check it out—and honestly I have no idea how I even finished it. What’s hilarious is that all together the deleted scenes are nearly as long as the movie itself. I still have no idea what was even going on in that thing. This was one of the two 100 Worst Reviewed Movies Ever that I’d actually seen.

For the record, the other thing film from the top 100 list I’d seen was actually Taxi, starring Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah. I was sick one day… heard there were Bimmers and Victoria’s Secret models in it… I rented it and I liked it, so sue me.
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